Kurt blinked lightly and smiled softly at the kiss on his cheek. He watched the other man for a moment, pursing his lips lightly. Sam looked, tense. Looked tight. Looked like everything was resting on his shoulders. He gave the blonde man’s shoulder a squeeze, turning back towards the stove and pulling things off of the head.“I think a movie sounds excellent.” He paused and looked at him lightly. ”There’s still some of that vodka if you need a drink,” the brunette said softly as he ducked to pull the chicken from the oven. He hummed softly to himself, going about making up two plates of the dinner, giving himself just a little more orzo and just a pinch of balsamic. He turned and looked at the blonde, holding out his plate.
“I…um…hope you enjoy it,” he said softly, smiling lightly as the man took the china. He moved past him, trying not to focus on just how thick everything that had been said tonight. He closed his eyes tightly, settling on the floor before the coffee table. He stared lightly at his plate, his appetite rather depleted at the moment. He swallowed thickly. ”What film would you like to watch?” he asked to the room, not really sure where Sam was.
Sam massaged the bridge of his nose and smiled slightly. “I could always use a drink,” He chuckled slightly, trying to hide his anxiety. Proving that he could still laugh even when his world was crashing down. Taking the plate from the brunette, the smell of the chicken engulfed him. It smelled amazing, but he wasn’t sure if he would be able to taste it. The blonde’s mouth was dry and he wondered if it would taste like sand. Like the beach he had gone to with his dad. The taste of saltwater in his mouth, landing face-first into the sandy shore after messing up on his surfboard. His dad’s deep laughter as Sam hastily spat out mouthfuls of salt and sand.
It smelled amazing. And it made Sam want to throw up.
Kurt brushed past him, leaving Sam alone in the kitchen. Holding a plate of his first real meal today, the kitchen spinning around him. The refrigerator hovered somewhere around his head, the oven orbiting around his thighs. He cautiously placed the plate onto the counter and leaned over the sink. “Ergh” he groaned slightly, closing his eyes until the room shifted back into place.
“Anything. Whatever you have.” Sam called back after hearing Kurt, his head in the sink. He splashed himself with some water before grabbing his plate and padding into the living room after the brunette.
He had to buck up. Had to be a man. Had to..do something.
‘Buck up Sammy. Boys don’t cry. It’s just sand’
“I told you dinner was on me Sam,” Kurt said lightly once the other man fell silent, looking over his shoulder and smiling lightly at the blonde. He pursed his lips, tilting his head to the side lightly. Sam was still distant, still reserved and removed from the whole situation. He sighed inwardly, stepping away and moving to stand before the other man, his hands on his hips. ”I’m rather adamant about this,” he said with a light smile.He looked up into wavering green eyes, trying to understand just how to get through to him that this was what he wanted to do this evening. That everything was fine. He pursed his lips, his mind slowly running through so many different thoughts and ideas.
“I hadn’t honestly thought of that,” the brunette murmured lightly, grinning bashfully. ”I was just supposing dinner at one point…but…” He shrugged, touching the other man’s elbow lightly. ”I just thought you could do with a little time somewhere safe?” He leaned up and kissed the other’s cheek softly, pulling back and letting the bashful smile return. ”So…whatever you would like to, or care to do honestly. I’m just glad to have company. I do rather hate only cooking for one.”
Safe. Sam clenched his teeth, his tongue flicking over his dry lips. Kurt’s house was safe. Kurt was safe. But…everywhere else? Places weren’t safe for him anymore. His old safe havens he used to escape the troubles at home. The blonde had no idea of how everyone would react. Absolutely no idea. Kurt was safe. But his house wasn’t. His family wasn’t. School wasn’t. The gym wasn’t. The comic book store wasn’t. Nothing was. Not once he starts telling people. Not anymore.
He anxiously licked his lips once more, before leaning close to the small brunette, placing a small kiss on his cheek. “Thank you.” Leaning back, his arms crossed once more. His defenses ever on the rise. Sam liked Kurt. Quite a bit more than he had initially planned. And being here, being invited over, was the best part of Sam’s day. Of his week. But…
Green eyes searching for clear, he licked his lips once more, well aware that he was going to chap them. Kurt had said he was safe here. The blonde’s head was still reeling from that comment. He wasn’t safe anywhere. What would they say. What would they do. Samuel Evans could not be gay. Could not, would not be gay.
And here he was… Sam was nauseated. Kurt’s statement flowing through his brain. He wanted to throw up.
Sam massaged the bridge of his nose. Fuck. “I can be good company.” Fuck. “We could, uh, watch a movie” Fuck. “Or something” Fuck.
Kurt blinked and looked up at the other man, a curious look flickering over his face. He moved and stood before Sam, staring up at the blonde and smiling lightly. He licked his lips lightly, fiddling with the towel in his hands.
“It was no inconvenience Sam. I invited you,” he murmured softly, fidgeting slowly. ”I…its the least I could do. I was acting quite the heel earlier. And…you deserved none of it. I…” he paused and smiled lightly, a chagrined look on his face. ”I’m…I’m glad you’re here.”
He wanted to kiss him. He wanted to feel the other man hold him, touch him. He just wanted to let him know that everything he had done that night, everything that he had said and felt was fine, was more than fine. Was perfect. The brunette sighed lightly and shrugged his shoulders with a smile, turning back to dinner. It still had time to cook.
And for the life of him, Kurt had no idea how to lessen the awkward feeling that was floating around the room.
“I’m glad to be here,” Sam flashed a small smile, before running his hand through his hair, his expression becoming blase as he ran through what had happened earlier in his mind. He had still felt responsible for it all. For ruining the night. For ruining everything. He massaged the bridge of his nose. “I can pay you back for the food,” he murmured quietly.
It smelled amazing, but part of him wondered if Kurt would even be eating like this if it weren’t for Sam. How much of Kurt’s food he would be wasting. His time.
The blonde leaned against the counter, his arms crossed as he eyed Kurt up and down. He looked amazing. And as a chef? Something about the man standing in front of a pan of vegetables, staring with such precision, was an odd turn-on.
He licked his lips and looked down. “So what are the plans for tonight? After dinner?” Sam’s voice wavered slightly, still frightened. Still scared that Kurt would deny him. That the brunette would cast him off.
Kurt wiped his eyes and stood up, drawing a breath and schooling his face calm and shoving his emotions back into the box where they stayed. He took a shuddering breath and moved over to open the door, letting the other man in with a small smile.
“Hello Sam,” the brunette said lightly, ushering him into the apartment, the door closing behind him. ”Make yourself at home,” he murmured, slipping past him and laying a soft hand on his shoulder as he transited back into the kitchen. ”I tried to go with something light and healthy,” he said, talking mostly to fill the void he could feel between himself and the other man. He licked his lips, his eyes seeking out the green of the blonde.
He honestly did not know what to say. How to say it. Here was someone who was going through something he had never faced. This complete fear of rejection from everyone, including family, was something that the brunette had never dealt with. And he had no idea how to help, what could be said, what could be done. So he stood in the kitchen, wringing a towel between his hands and staring at the pot of lightly simmering veggies.
Sam dropped his backpack to the floor at Kurt’s door, before bending over to undue his shoes. The apartment was full of the smell of steaming vegetables and chicken. It made the blonde’s mouth water, and his stomach rumble with hunger.
Padding over to the kitchen in his socks, Sam smiled softly. “It smells really great dude.” He leaned against the countertop, his arms crossed, carefully eyeing the brunette. The man looked cool and collected, leaning over the pot, making sure everything was cooked perfectly.
He didn’t have to do this. It made Sam anxious. Anxious, but happy. That someone cared enough about him to make a meal like this. To make a meal at all. Sam licked his lips. “I hope this wasn’t an inconvenience,” he said quietly, in nearly a whisper.
It was nice. Being here. Being with this man. Not being alone in his room, a pillow over his head in a sad attempt to block out the world. He could just as easily block out the world with this man in his arms, and his lips against his own.
“Of course Sam. I’ll see you in an hour,” Kurt murmured softly, watching him move towards his own car. He was worried. Really worried actually. That the man was so terrified. He could see the tension in his back, the worry in his eyes. It broke his heart. He closed his eyes and shook his head. He was part of the problem it seemed. He had done this to the blonde. He swallowed thickly, blinking away tears while peeling out from the parking lot.
He had to make it to the Fresh Market before they closed.
Thirty minutes later, he was stumbling into his apartment, laden with groceries. So he had gone shopping earlier than expected. It was all still necessary items. And it would let him set about cooking something that hopefully Sam would find acceptable. Baked chicken, whole wheat orzo pasta, and fresh veggies. He licked his lips and set about cooking, his mind racing.
He had suppressed it in the car, pushed it from his mind. But the fact that the blonde had gone to a call girl - who just happened to be Santana - was terrifying to him. What else did he do to convince him he wasn’t gay? What else…
Kurt gripped the edge of the counter in his small kitchen, squeezing his eyes closed and letting out a small, soft sob. A few tears fell onto the clean surface as he let his emotions take hold for a few short minutes before he had to play the supportive role again. He felt so ashamed. That he’d let the man in and then subsequently ripped him apart.
The ride home had almost given Sam an anxiety attack, having to pull over in the middle of the highway, taking deep breathes to steady himself. What was he doing, Jesus Christ what was he doing. His mind was shrouded in a thick fog, his heart jumping into his throat. What was he even doing? What was he going to do now? The closet door had been torn off its hinges and thrown into the sea, and Sam was left standing there, bare and shaking.
This was a terrible, terrible idea.
When he finally made it home, he sat in the car shivering, trying to find the motivation to see his family. To face them after everything had been flipped around. Even thought they won’t notice anything differently, he was panicking. What if they could tell? What if his mother looked at him and could see the gay, stamped across his face. Like a giant scarlet letter embroidered to his skin. Everything was burning. His skin was aching.
Inside the house, he’d placed the money into an envelope, clearly marking it for the bills. For his mother. He placed the envelope on the top of the refrigerator before the kids could see what he’d done. Heading into their room, he told them he’d be out for the night, and not to worry, giving his mother a kiss on the cheek. “To see your boyfriend?” Stevie piped up, leaving Sam bristling, his raw heart thumping hard.
“Shut up, assclown.” Sam muttered, glaring, before sulking off to his own room to pack. He threw in a t-shirt and a pair of underwear. He could just re-wear his jeans. They haven’t been able to do laundry yet. Maybe by his next paycheck… He just hoped Kurt wouldn’t notice. Please don’t notice.
Nearly 40 minutes later, stopping several times to breathe and calm his mind, he found himself outside the brunette’s apartment door, backpack in hand. Knocking quietly.
“Hey?”
“Sam. It’s no trouble. Let’s just go get your car. And check with your family if they need anything,” Kurt said softly as he put the car in gear. He reached over and took the blonde’s hand gently, squeezing it lightly. He looked out of the corner of his eyes as he stopped at a light. ”I…think…I…” He sighed lightly and smiled. ”You know you have a place to stay, if you ever feel you need to hide…don’t you?” he murmured softly. He meant his place.
The small car zipped through traffic, carrying them towards the comic store and the blonde’s car. His hand only left Sam’s when he had to change gear. His eyes were on the other man any time he could. Because he saw the worry, the fear that was there. And it was killing him knowing that he could not do anything about it. He took a deep breath before starting to talk again.
“You don’t have to apologize for anything Sam,” Kurt murmured, squeezing his hand tightly. ”This is about you. I…I just happen to be along for the ride. So to speak. Though…well…I suppose dirty jokes would best be left out right now.” The brunette flushed and cleared his throat, changing gears as they pulled back into the parking lot next to Sam’s car. The teens were thankfully gone. ”But…what I wanted to say was this. I think it’s amazing that you can admit that to yourself. It’s a big step. It’s something to be proud of.” He looked at the other man closely and smiled. ”It’s courageous.” He looked around before leaning over and kissing the corner of his mouth lightly.
“Now…call your family, go home and pack a bag, and come to my place. I’m cooking and you’re staying,” Kurt said primly, trying to bring his attitude and voice back to normal. He smiled brightly and arched an eyebrow, the silent ‘is that alright?’ asked in his gaze.
Sam eyed his junky car parked before them. He will never stop being embarrassed by that thing, but the comparisons he continued making. By the fact that he was poor. Kurt had called him courageous. Had said that Sam was brave. He licked his lips lightly, his tongue running slowly over where Kurt’s own lips had just been.
He wasn’t brave. But he had done this much. And he will do more… But what if someone had seen them. What if someone sees them exchanging these small kisses in Kurt’s car. What if someone recognizes Sam, knows his family, knows him. His stomach flipped and he sighed. So many “What ifs” going through his head, but the brunettes words were there as well. Echoing. He could be brave for this man. He could be brave for himself.
Licking his lips, Sam gave a small smile. “Yeah. Alright.” He murmured hesitantly, a part of him still confused that he had ruined the man’s day. A part of him still convinced that maybe he just wanted to curl up in bed and not move. For days. “I’d like that.” He whispered.
The blonde picked up his backpack from the floor of the car, squeezing the straps into his balled fists. Sam leaned in, kissing the corner of Kurt’s mouth softly. A hand hesitantly brushed over Kurt’s own, before reaching for the door handle, and swinging the door open.
“Thank you.” He lifted his head to the sky, letting the cool air whip at his face, before turning it and breaking out into a wide grin. “Give me an hour.”
The puppy dog eyes were probably a killer on must people. But when Kurt was full swing into his performance space, when he was singing, there was little that could phase him. It kept him stable when these things reached a fever pitch and threatened to bring him down. He slowly let the song finish, turning his eyes back to the other man. The soft kiss and the thank you made him sag in relief. It was a start.
“It was nothing Sam,” the brunette murmured, smiling bashfully and reaching over to take the blonde’s hand. ”I’m…sorry I was insensitive,” he whispered, running his fingers over the knuckles of the other man. He bowed his head lightly, taking a deep breath and licking his lips. ”I…you scare me sometimes…the reactions you draw from me. And…I just…I’m sorry.”
It was true. This was a man who was slowly pulling everything from him. Breaking down his barriers and making him hope again. And it looked like he had broken something more precious to Sam than just those barriers. He had broken down the closet door. He ached, knowing that part of this, much of this, was his fault.
“Sam…I…where would you like to go?” Kurt murmured softly, smiling up at him with warm eyes. ”Tonight, it’s about you. Please?” He licked his lips, squeezing the man’s hand. Tonight, he just wanted to make him feel good, feel happy, feel secure.
Sam clenched his teeth, he really didn’t want to inconvenience Kurt. Didn’t want to ruin his plans. But he was making him pick. He was putting this on Sam. The blonde licked his lips. “Could we …uhm…go to your place? I’m not sure if I…” his voice trailed off, his throat feeling closed off, preventing the words from coming out. I’m not sure if I’m ready to be somewhere in public. Somewhere where I have to hide again.
The blonde leaned close to Kurt, cupping his head with one hand, drawing his lips to Sam’s own. He kissed him softly, sweetly. He could taste Kurt, the familiar taste that he had grown fond of. Sam wanted this, wanted more of this. To feel Kurt’s lips against his own, to taste his tongue, and feel his hot breath.
Pulling away, Sam murmured quietly, “You aren’t insensitive… I think it’s just as hard on you right?” He licked his lips anxiously. “I’m sorry…if I’m…complicating things…even more.” Leaning back into his seat, his fists were balled tightly, his arms straight as pins against his body.
“I’m sorry.”
He was used to disappointing people. He never was much in ways of a people pleaser. Not until the day he’d been caught. Not until he’d been forced to change, forced to hide himself. Forced to finally please them all. He eyed Kurt out of the corner of his eyes, and wondered what was going on in the brunette’s mind. His face was a mixture of what looked like pity and frustration. It made Sam’s stomach churn, to see the reactions he was rising out of a man he cared so much for.
Kurt frowned lightly and stroked his cheek again. The eyes were darting, were flinching. And the smile he flashed never made it to that beautiful green gaze. He bit the inside of his lip and smiled ruefully.
“You’re counting calories, aren’t you?” he asked softly, remembering the man’s reaction to their burger lunch a few days ago. He wondered just how much time the blonde spent at the gym and on his body. He shook his head lightly, stroking the man’s cheek again. ”Alright, no pizza. How about something healthy?” He racked his brain, for something that would not totally close off their arteries. Even if he was of the opinion that unhealthy foods were necessary at a time like this.
He needed to find something that the other man could latch onto, could keep himself secure and comfortable. It was…they were on shaky ground right now. Sam looked nearly on the verge of a complete break down. Kurt bit his lower lip, trying to think of anything he could to calm him down, to show him that he was not alone. So he did the only thing he really knew how to. He sang.
The notes of I Made it Through the Rain sprang unbidden from his throat, filling the cabin of the car. Yes it was Barry Manilow and yes it was cheesy, but it fit. It had the sweeping sounds, the cadences and the warmth that he felt was necessary. And the message did not hurt at all.
‘Gods please let this reach him,’ as he sang.
“Anything you’d like,” Sam murmured, licking his lips. He hoped he wasn’t ruining Kurt’s plans, ruining his day. He could eat the pizza. He could… and just stay longer in the gym. It wouldn’t be a problem. He flashed his puppy-dog eyes at the man, shrugging. “Anything.”
And then the singing began, and Sam found himself frozen. Completely enamored with the brunette’s voice, completely stuck by the message. The voice of an angel. It felt as if Kurt was wrapping him in a warm blanket, protecting Sam from himself, with just his voice. He knew what the man was doing, the song choice fitting completely. His heart was humming loudly, the lyrics hitting him like a wave, smashing into him and sweeping him up.
I made it through the rain
And found myself respected
By the others who
Got rained on too
And made it through
Sam was breathing deeply, shaking only slightly. Kurt continued on singing, and all the blonde could do was bite his tongue and fight back tears. He was right. Kurt was right. This would be hard…but worth it. Right? He rested his gaze on Kurt, watching the beautiful man belt out the final words of the song. Sam licked his lips and leaned over to the man, pressing a soft kiss against his lips.
“Thank you..”
“People are generally jerks I’ve found,” Kurt murmured, smiling wryly at the other man. ”And don’t call me girly if you want to spend the night in my bed again,” he said primly, leaning over and kissing his cheek softly. He smiled softly, watching the other man carefully. It was easy to see he was shaken up. Worried and shaking and in no mood to go anywhere. He leaned closer, and kissed him lightly again. ”Sam…I can’t make any promises for other people. But…I’ll be here as long as you will let me.”
He bit his lower lip, reaching up to stroke softly at the man’s cheek. There was nothing more he could say, nothing he could promise the man other than himself. He smiled softly, gingerly. He knew the man was hurting, that he was clinging to this shred of faux masculinity. He licked his lips again and tilted his head to one side. Had something happened in his past that scared him that much? He shook his head.
Now was not the time for such conversations.
“Did…you still want dinner?” Kurt asked after a moment, stroking Sam’s cheek again. ”We can go to my place…order a pizza. Or…I could take you back to your car…” He trailed off, not sure if his presence was causing a problem. He bit his lower lip, but never stopped looking at Sam. He figured the man did not need to be alone. No. He knew it.
Sam bit his lip and stared straight out the front window, at the people exiting their cars and heading into the mall. At the happy couples holding hands and laughing. His stomach burned. He wanted that, wanted that with this brunette that kept kissing him. Sam wanted to hold Kurt’s hand and proudly show him off to the world. Proudly say, That dude’s my boyfriend. But everything he had been taught, everything his father had told him went against that. Everything he believed in.
But the burning desire was there, and..maybe..
But would they think he was a freak too. The people at the mall? Would they see him and cluck and tsk and talk about how he’s such a handsome man and it’s such a shame. He ran a hand through his hair and anxiously licked his lips. Fuck.
Sam snapped back into reality when the brunette asked him a question, his soft fingers gently running down his cheek. “Uh, we can uh, do whatever you like.” Sam shot a shaky smile at the man, letting him know that he was happy to be with him no matter where or what they were doing.
He was hungry, but pizza..all that grease. God he would need to doubletime at the gym. Triple-time for outing himself. Quadruple time. He massaged his head.
“Pizza’s fine, dude.”
Kurt could have cried at the look in that man’s eyes, at the fear and pain and absolute certainty in his voice. He licked his lips, shaking his head and squeezing the man’s hand tighter, just letting him know that he was here and that he was listening. His Sam, his beautiful and fun loving Sam, looked here like a kicked puppy. Beaten. Broken. And so alone.
“Sam…baby no,” he cooed softly, reaching out to stroke his hair. ”Why would they hate you? How could they hate you? Or be disappointed for you?” He cursed the bucket seats and the stick-shift, feeling the need to be near this man, to hold him and hug him. ”You’ve done so much. You help with your brother and sister, you help your mother. You’ve told me about that. How on Earth this one little thing could change that…”
He stopped. Because he knew it was hard. He knew how much damage three little words could cause, could change. He squeezed the man’s hand tightly. He could offer advice. Offer support. Promise to be there. He gulped. But he could not promise that anyone else would not change.
“Coming out…it…changes some things,” Kurt said quietly. ”I never really had some grand coming out event. I’ve always been labeled gay…I’m rather flamboyant you know,” he murmured with a slight lilt of humor. ”But…some people…some people did not talk to me any more. Some people made my life hell even more. But my family never wavered. My father was confused, did not know what to make of the situation…but he always says he loves me…” Kurt trailed off, not knowing what else to say.
As much as he knew Kurt was speaking from experience, speaking his truth, Sam also knew that just because it was true for the brunette, it wouldn’t be for him. The brunette had a father who loves him. And Sam? Well Sam had a father who had died while still holding the disappointment and rage inside of him. He had a little brother who looked up to him. A little sister who he had to protect. A mother to take care of. Would they still trust him if they knew?
Would Stevie look down at Sam now, instead of looking up at him? Would Stacey laugh at the fact that her gay brother would offer to protect her? And his mother… He swallowed thickly. This…was going to kill him, he knew that much. He wasn’t sure if he could do this. Wasn’t sure if he was strong enough. But…maybe with Kurt….
Kurt was here for him. Here with him. Here in absolutely every sense of the word. He understood what Sam was dealing with, more or less, and Sam could tell that his own anxiety about the situation was starting to affect Kurt. How the man kept their touch, kept making contact. Being there for him. It made the blonde’s heart thrum happily, despite the rollercoaster ride it had just been thrown off from.
“How rude,” he murmured, letting a small smile slip across his lips. “People shouldn’t assume you’re gay just cuz you’re a little..uh..girly”
